Uncertainty
In my dream last night, the doctor told me my problem was uncertainty. It amuses me when the universe gives me clues to my journey while I am sleeping.
I have never had a problem with uncertainty before, I have always just known what was to be and believed that knowing with all my heart. My life followed those knowings to a tee, not wavering from the path that I had set forth. Why is it that now I am uncertain about my life? It is because I am uncertain with who I am, and what I want. How was it so easy to have faith in the process when I was young?
It is as if I have no idea where my life is going now. Should I know? Should I be demanding to know what's next? How can I embrace this realm of unknowings? Blind trust. I have always needed to know what's next. Not knowing what's next has always given me anxiety or fear in some way, shape or form.
There has been a bit of unease within me not knowing how, what or where to go next. My thoughts race to tell me that there is more to life, that this isn't where I want to be, but I am trying to be patient with what life has to offer, seeking opportunities as they arise and searching for loop holes when nothing turns up.
Like starting this blog. I talk to myself a lot and rarely allow others into my mental chaos. So this is me jumping into a loop hole I found to try something I have never done to see if I get something I never got. That's the way life works. If you don't like what you see you have to do something you've never done to change the view.
So what exactly am I uncertain about in my life. My career. I went from working at a zoo, educating the public about animals to teaching preschool, to now working as a children's librarian. All of which I was and am very good at. But not where my heart is leading me on my journey. The library is nice, the children and families I work with are great, people love my story times and activities, but my heart belongs to creating.
So why not just quit and dive into what I love? Money, my current job funds my creative side. Training, for all the jobs that remotely sound interesting I would need to go back and get a masters, which in reality I don't feel like I need in order to teach and introduce others to the love of art. And would it be worth spending my money on that training, as I've already spent so much on degrees I do not use anyway. I would rather just create and share my joy and love with others.
That is what I intend to do, which makes my future uncertain. I am going to, with the best of my ability, embrace this uncertainty and follow it with open arms. Letting go of the fear and anxiety that comes with not knowing. Trusting that the universe has my back.
I have never had a problem with uncertainty before, I have always just known what was to be and believed that knowing with all my heart. My life followed those knowings to a tee, not wavering from the path that I had set forth. Why is it that now I am uncertain about my life? It is because I am uncertain with who I am, and what I want. How was it so easy to have faith in the process when I was young?
It is as if I have no idea where my life is going now. Should I know? Should I be demanding to know what's next? How can I embrace this realm of unknowings? Blind trust. I have always needed to know what's next. Not knowing what's next has always given me anxiety or fear in some way, shape or form.
There has been a bit of unease within me not knowing how, what or where to go next. My thoughts race to tell me that there is more to life, that this isn't where I want to be, but I am trying to be patient with what life has to offer, seeking opportunities as they arise and searching for loop holes when nothing turns up.
Like starting this blog. I talk to myself a lot and rarely allow others into my mental chaos. So this is me jumping into a loop hole I found to try something I have never done to see if I get something I never got. That's the way life works. If you don't like what you see you have to do something you've never done to change the view.
So what exactly am I uncertain about in my life. My career. I went from working at a zoo, educating the public about animals to teaching preschool, to now working as a children's librarian. All of which I was and am very good at. But not where my heart is leading me on my journey. The library is nice, the children and families I work with are great, people love my story times and activities, but my heart belongs to creating.So why not just quit and dive into what I love? Money, my current job funds my creative side. Training, for all the jobs that remotely sound interesting I would need to go back and get a masters, which in reality I don't feel like I need in order to teach and introduce others to the love of art. And would it be worth spending my money on that training, as I've already spent so much on degrees I do not use anyway. I would rather just create and share my joy and love with others.
That is what I intend to do, which makes my future uncertain. I am going to, with the best of my ability, embrace this uncertainty and follow it with open arms. Letting go of the fear and anxiety that comes with not knowing. Trusting that the universe has my back.
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