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Showing posts from October, 2019

The Mind Can Be a Scary Place

Why is the mind so difficult?  I hate the way depression and anxiety hit my mind so fast.  It is a times so infuriating.  It is the only thing I can't control and yet the only thing I can.  
The other day I woke in a downward spiral.  My mind racing with hateful lies.  You not good enough,  why are you here,  I hate you,  you're fat and ugly,  you will never be healthy,  why don't you just give up,  you're a bad mother,  I can't believe how awful you are
It is days like that one, that put me on the verge of tears the entire day.  
It is days like those where my triggers are plentiful.  
They are the days I feel the need to escape. To leave everything behind and wait in the cold, quiet dark until the wave of anger and hate crashes into me, sending shock waves throughout my body and I cry until no more tears fall.  Until the well of sadness runs dry.  
Until I feel nothing but stillness and silence.  It is only then that I can begin to breath again, that I can silenc…
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October signals change not just for the season but for us humans as well.  It is a get time to reflect on the past years trials and growth and set new intentions for the coming year.

Great things happened this past year of season.  I took a leap to begin and finish and self-publish one of my many books.  Many people, I feel, look down on self-published books, but if they really knew what it takes to get a publisher, they may just change their mind.  Nowadays, publishers aren't looking for the next big thing, they are looking for an author with a good idea and a crap ton, official term, of followers.  Many followers, means many books sold with little money spent on advertising.  Self published authors do everything themselves, it's a lot of work.  Now, I am currently working on one of my many children's books.  I plan to publish it in the spring. I am currently able to balance work, family, me time and creative time.

I reflect upon how I did not always want to be an artist …