I Talk To Myself

Why is the mind so difficult?  I hate the way depression and anxiety hit my mind so fast.  It is a times so infuriating.  It is the only thing I can't control and yet the only thing I can.   The other day I woke in a downward spiral.  My mind racing with hateful lies.    You not good enough,  why are you here,  I hate you,  you're fat and ugly,  you will never be healthy,  why don't you just give up,  you're a bad mother,  I can't believe how awful you are It is days like that one, that put me on the verge of tears the entire day.   It is days like those where my triggers are plentiful.   They are the days I feel the need to escape. To leave everything behind and wait in the cold, quiet dark until the wave of anger and hate crashes into me, sending shock waves throughout my body and I cry until no more tears fall.  Until the well of sadness runs dry.   Until I feel nothing but stillness and silence.  It is only then that I can be

October signals change not just for the season but for us humans as well.  It is a get time to reflect on the past years trials and growth and set new intentions for the coming year. Great things happened this past year of season.  I took a leap to begin and finish and self-publish one of my many books.  Many people, I feel, look down on self-published books, but if they really knew what it takes to get a publisher, they may just change their mind.  Nowadays, publishers aren't looking for the next big thing, they are looking for an author with a good idea and a crap ton, official term, of followers.  Many followers, means many books sold with little money spent on advertising.  Self published authors do everything themselves, it's a lot of work.  Now, I am currently working on one of my many children's books.  I plan to publish it in the spring. I am currently able to balance work, family, me time and creative time. I reflect upon how I did not always want to be an arti

Life is a series of losses.  Some are big and some are small.  Through out my life I have had many small losses, and only a few big ones. You can lose anything, a grandparent, a job, a friend, a love your keys or an opportunity.  It doesn't matter to your body what you lose, it still treats it like a loss.  There is a set pattern of emotions that your mind and body need to process a loss. Shock, disbelief, sadness, regret, sorrow, anger, panic, numbness, self hate/self blame, forgiveness, love and gratitude; This is my pattern, your pattern may be a little different. I went through a span of time when I refused to grieve; I would say whatever I lost was in a better place or that it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. This only sets you back and holds onto the energy of grief.  This energy will build and continue to build until some small, itty bitty, tiny, little loss makes you explode with volcano like furry with tears and fowl anger flowing like electric lava sendi

I like to give my attention and focus to whatever is directly in front of me.  Although I can and do multitask, I don't like to work in that manner.  Our society has some how raised the status of those who can multi task compared to those that can't.  As if one's ability to do many things at once is some great power.  I actually believe one's ability to focus on one task at a time more of a super power.  The ability to let go of everything else that needs to be done, to focus on, or being in the moment with, one task or whatever is in front of you.  That, to me, requires discipline and strength. Focusing on one thing at a time also requires balance.  I say this because I have been know to focus on one thing for many hours and forget everything else that exists in life. Dishes, laundry, children, husband etc. are the least of my concern with I am creating.  If I am in the zone, I don't wish to be interrupted. But that kind of focus, while productive, still hurt

Today the wind blows in a new direction, do you set the sails in your mind or do you allow yourself to drift with the current of your thoughts? The mind is empty space filled with chaos.  Thoughts come and go with little effort on your own part. How do you know, then, which thoughts to follow and which ones to let go? Love.  Love is the answer.  If it is a thought that inspires you, encourages you and lights the fire within your soul, then that is one to follow.  If, however, your thoughts elicit fear, and the fear is irrational, which most are, those are the ones to let pass.  It is not always easy to let those thoughts pass; I have been on many misguided adventures do to fearful thoughts.  But each experience has taught me to trust love over fear. So the next time your mind is flowing with thoughts, instead of choosing your direction out of fear, choose love.  Think, "What direction would I go, if I filled this thought with love?" Then act on it.  Be afraid and do it

The universe moves faster with more synchronicity as you move in the direction of your purpose.  Barriers and obstacles will begin to crumble as soon as you recognize the opportunity within.  Everything is falling into place and you are exactly where you need to be.  There is no rush or hurry because you are right on time for the miracles that are now manifesting in your life. Sometimes we are afraid to move forward in our life.  Scared of what lurks in the unknown.  Life truly begins when we step off that edge and plummet towards chaos and utter disaster.  On lookers and nay sayers will clutter your mind with failure and defeat.  Most embrace their words taking them to heart and fall straight towards the brier patch, but not you.  You their shouts and dismay fire at you like daggers that fall gently like spring rain and roll off your skin.  You dance as you fall and glide through the air as your wings bud out from your back. Each feather unfurls amidst the friction of the wind and