The Mind Can Be a Scary Place
Why is the mind so difficult? I hate the way depression and anxiety hit my mind so fast. It is a times so infuriating. It is the only thing I can't control and yet the only thing I can.
The other day I woke in a downward spiral. My mind racing with hateful lies.
You not good enough,
why are you here,
I hate you,
you're fat and ugly,
you will never be healthy,
why don't you just give up,
you're a bad mother,
I can't believe how awful you are
It is days like that one, that put me on the verge of tears the entire day.
It is days like those where my triggers are plentiful.
They are the days I feel the need to escape. To leave everything behind and wait in the cold, quiet dark until the wave of anger and hate crashes into me, sending shock waves throughout my body and I cry until no more tears fall. Until the well of sadness runs dry.
Until I feel nothing but stillness and silence. It is only then that I can begin to breath again, that I can silence the noise of my mind.
But I had to work that day. So I got up put on clothes that didn't bother my skin, put the best face on I could manage and left for work.
I rarely have a chance to escape, to give myself the care I so desperately need. Even after I got out of work that day, I still had children that needed my attention. It takes a lot of effort to slow down racing thoughts.
Days like these use to be my normal, everyday life. I am lucky to have enough coping mechanisms now to help lift me out of dark places. Although I rarely have days like these now, I still get caught off guard at how nasty my mind can be.
The mind can be a scary place to live. It is why mindfulness is so important. Peaceful happy thoughts are hard to come by when depression and anxiety are present. Ignoring the unpleasant feeling and thoughts is not the way to go either. You have to let them pass with as little resistances as possible. They will pass, as all thoughts and feelings do, and then peace can flow again more freely.